The Blame Game, What-If's and Last Goodbyes
by m-is-for-MollyMansfieldMealing
Summary: One-shot based around what I'd have liked to have seen at Jeff's funeral :'( Sorry the title's so long- feeling very uninspired today... :)


**Decided to watch "The Last Call" earlier (hah, huge mistake- would not recommend doing that anytime soon), and I came up with this idea for a one-shot. It's not very well written as it is quite rushed, but I hope you like it anyway :D and of course, reviews are always welcome! -Sophie x**

**(P.S- it gets better as it goes on I just had no clue how to start it xD)**

* * *

Since the moment that Dixie began to talk, Connie could feel herself welling up. She looked around, trying to distract herself from the words that floated in her ear, and noticed just how many people were there. His family; Jamie was in pieces on Robyn's shoulder, and his friends too- most dabbing at their eyes as Dixie spoke of her beloved husband. Connie tuned her head back to look at her, only to see the woman facing his coffin, hands clasped in front of her.

"I love and I miss you kid." She said quietly, before turning and nodding at Ian who promptly stood, all other paramedics following suit. They held up their radios and let the control voice ring out.

"Control to paramedic Collier. Control to paramedic Collier. Last call for paramedic Collier."

It was at this point that Tamsin couldn't take it any longer. Her legs gave way beneath her as she collapsed back onto her chair, sobs racking her body as Big Mac held her close, feeling every jutter of her chest as she let herself go.

Behind her, Connie looked up to the ceiling, her eyes pricking and her vision blurred. She blinked rapidly, but it was too late; a lone tear rolled down her left cheek, and she pursed her lips to stop herself from sobbing.

Charlie glanced sideways to see his boss sat perfectly still, except for the falling tear that eventually splashed silently onto her leg. He slowly moved a hand and placed it on hers, feeling her freeze beneath his touch. The nurse moved his thumb back and forth until she relaxed again, and the service came to an end.

Beside him, Rita got up and followed Tess to the door, only looking back when she realised he wasn't with her. She saw him still sat in his place, and decided to leave him be. She whistled for Abs the dog to join her, but he stayed firmly where he laid, eyes looking up to the long white curtain. She smiled slightly and followed her colleagues out into the car park.

When she heard the door shut, Connie bit her lip, another tear making an appearance.

"It's ok to cry you know." Charlie said quietly, and she turned only to see his eyes watery too.

"It's a sign of weakness." She muttered, dabbing at the undersides of her eyes with her coat sleeve. Her companion proffered a tissue, and she took it silently.

"It's a sign of compassion; it shows that you care."

Connie sat silent, her eyes falling on the dog that had its head in its paws as if it were crying itself. The poor thing looked so mournful; and it was her fault. All of this was. If it wasn't for her deluded idea for a field trip, they wouldn't be sat where they were and they most certainly wouldn't be crying. She took a deep shaky breath, folding one arm across her chest and moving her other from under Charlie's grasp, before letting it rest under her chin, one finger steadying her balance.

"It's all my fault." Connie's voice was barely audible when she spoke.

"Don't Connie." Charlie warned her but she shook her head, cheeks glistening with tears that were now falling thick and fast.

"It is. I suggested the bloody trip, I made it compulsory to go, I wanted to push you all. I, I, I, I, I." She muttered, her voice becoming strangled as she wiped her eyes. Charlie closed his and tilted his head back slightly, hands clasped together on his knee.

"It was an accident." He said quietly, opening his eyes again. "A freak accident, that's all it was. You didn't know that was going to happen, you had no idea- how could you? You mustn't blame yourself. The past is in the past now, blaming yourself won't bring him back."

Connie moved in her seat to face him, eyes wide and vulnerable. "I know it won't bring him back, god knows I'm aware of that. I just don't want anyone else to feel responsible. They're a good team and I almost lost them. I know Ash blames himself, and Ethan could have been severely injured! Lily may not have treated another patient again, and Tess- who knows what could have happened."

By this point the clinical lead was sobbing; not the noisy, chesty sobbing; but the silent, terrified sobbing, like that of an accident victim, too shocked to carry on. Charlie felt his face flush, and he wiped both his eyes quickly, before stretching an arm out and pulling Connie to his side. She rested her head on his shoulder and cried until there were no more tears to come.

She cried for the guilt that spiked her every thought, and for the mourning she felt for her department's best paramedic. She cried for the gaping hole she'd created in so many lives, unable to be repaired by anyone but their Jeffery Collier.

But most of all, Connie cried for her colleagues. Her tears soaked into Charlie's coat as her mind turned to the what-ifs. What if Ethan had died there, tapped under the steering wheel? What if Ash had lost so much blood that he couldn't recover? What if Lily had ended up unable to work for the rest of her life? What if Tess had been more seriously injured?

"What if I had lost them?" She whispered, and Charlie squeezed her shoulder a little tighter, resting his chin on her head.

"No what-if's Connie." He said softly, "The what-ifs will kill you."

They stayed in that position for a few moments more whilst they collected themselves together again. Just as they were about to leave, something nudged Connie's bare leg, and she jumped, startled before looking down. It was Abs, and she smiled slightly before gently stroking his head, brown eyes full of emotion like no others she had seen before.

"I miss him too." She sighed quietly, taking his lead that trailed along the floor behind him. "We all do."

Charlie stood in the isle, and placed a hand over her back as she joined him, Abs at her side.

"Come on. You deserve a drink. I think we both do." He decided, opening the door and holding it for her against the bitter temperatures outside. He watched as she turned, tucking a stray stand of hair behind her ear, and adjusted her coat slightly, before looking back to the white curtain.

"Goodbye Jeff." Her words were but whispers carried away by the wind, and she smiled before turning round and heading towards her car. Charlie let his hand slip from the golden handle, and watched as the door closed; a last act of finality. His eyes too fell upon the curtain, and he nodded his head ever so slightly.

"Sleep tight mate." Charlie said quietly, his last gaze lingering before he set off after his colleague.


End file.
